Cruise Festivals Are Superior to Land Festivals!

Music festivals are a vast ocean of different artists, sounds, audiences, and experiences. It is difficult to compare one to the other, because, for example, the Rolling Loud festival isn’t the same as the Electronic Dance Music festival (EDC), and EDC isn’t the same as the BottleRock Music festival in Napa. Those land festivals are some of the pinnacles of music festivals worldwide. Expensive tickets, multiple days, and persistent drug use are, at the core, what define them. The crowds are usually younger, less fervent, and extremely libidinous. So why would anyone in their right mind choose to spend time in that frenetic, overwhelming environment? Personally, as someone in my early twenties, I can only come up with one answer: the raunchy experience. In my high school days, I partied hard and went to plenty of music festivals in and around New York City, but that phase ended toward the culmination of my high school career. I wanted something more easy-going. My taste in music shifted from rap to classic rock, and I fell in love with older music. Todd Rundgren is the most underrated artist of all time, and I have been searching meticulously for his vinyls in any record store I find, but that’s beside the point.

During my sophomore year of high school, I met Sixthman, a company operating under Norwegian Cruise Lines. They host music festivals on cruises that usually last four to seven days. With several different types of festivals, they focus on 90s and 2000s bands, most notably Train and Creed. I have sailed on two Train cruises, titled Sail Across the Sun (SATS for short). On the first one, my high school brain lacked appreciation, so I had an unbearable time. The second one, a little over a year ago now, was the definition of perfection. With roughly 15 different bands performing almost every day, and rib-tickling comedic acts, it was hard to have a bad time. Add in the all-you-can-drink package, it was hard not to show your moves on the dance floor and make lifelong friends. 

The crowd is much older, mainly ranging from the late 30s to 70-year-olds, with a skew toward the latter. Last year was their 8th year sailing, and they will resume in 2027. The 8-timers (the people who have gone every time) are the only annoyance in this experience. Their ego and self righteousness is incredibly inflated. However, if you ignore them, there is much to enjoy. From different theme nights to meeting the acts, and daily special activities, the intimacy of cruise festivals is miles ahead of land festivals. In what world would you be able to meet 15 different acts at a land festival without having to pay thousands of dollars for backstage passes and VIP sections? Definitely not this one, especially in this economy. On the ship, though, anything is possible. 

The itinerary and acts on the cruise are nearly identical every year, but some bands leave, new ones join, and the destination changes annually. Last year, it was to Cozumel, Mexico, on the Norwegian Gem. A smaller ship, with roughly 3,000 total staff and cruise-goers, it isn’t a cruise where children are wreaking havoc around the ship. As a matter of fact, there is only one arcade game area, and not many other kid activities, leaving most of the fun stuff up for the adults. Once you sail out of the port of Miami, there is an immediate performance by Train, welcoming everybody and sending us off. This is the start of the flair exchange (people trading handmade merch), and one of the best experiences of the trip, with every fan on the boat listening to this performance. 

The second day, when everybody is settled in, is when the real fun begins. Non-stop music and acts from 11 am-1 am, all you really have to do is walk to different stages and drink alcohol all day. The best part, you don’t have to travel back to a hotel like you would on land. The boat is your hotel and play area. Besides Train, some of my favourite acts were The Dan Band, Adam Ezra, and Matt Nathanson. Sadly, the latter will not be returning next year. The number of different people from all over the world was quite surprising. Elevator selfies with very inebriated people I just met wasn’t something I expected to happen either. That same day, my mother told me she had won a contest, receiving a private, en-suite performance from The Dan Band. If you don’t know them, they have appeared in several Will Ferrell movies and specialise in comedic music. 

Day three was the day my mother was also scheduled to perform her own comedy in front of the fans in a Gong Show competition. Pat Monahan from Train and Dan Finnerty from The Dan Band hosted the competition, featuring them whacking a huge gong when someone performed their act terribly. My mom performed near the end but did a great job, considering the first comedian got booed offstage (he was NOT funny whatsoever). One would think that would set a precedent for the rest of the comedians, but for my mom, it did not. She performed great with only a couple of obnoxious, drunk assholes attempting to get her gonged. At the end, she joked to Dan that she’ll be seeing him later tonight for that private performance. Seeing the looks of all the confused, jealous fans after she made that statement was priceless. 

The en-suite performance by The Dan Band was the most comical thing I have ever witnessed. Believe me when I say that because I have seen Hannibal Burress, Kevin Hart, Bill Burr, and Dave Chappelle perform live. We received a knock on the door, and I was not prepared for what came next. Dan busted through the door singing his siren song, attempting to humorously seduce my mother in front of his wife, my girlfriend, me, and about a dozen people who were now in the doorway who heard and saw the commotion. At the end of the performance, the members and Dan’s wife, Kathy Najimy, stuck around for a bit to talk to the three of us. It was surreal that they were able to perform just for us, but to stick around after and get to know you was an amazing feeling. I snapped a photo of him flipping me off. After the cruise, my mom and Dan teamed up to send me a birthday cameo last year, and I am pretty sure he will recognise my mom at their concert on February 27th in New York. 

An intimate moment with Pat Monahan of Train came when we signed up for a small wine-tasting event. There were about 100 people total, with five different wines from the Napa and Willamette Valleys. I wish I remembered what they were, because they were the best glasses of wine I’ve tasted so far, in my young life. Later that night, when all the glasses of wine caught up to me, I went to see Adam Ezra perform. An odd guy, he wore no shoes or socks for most of the cruise; was it a little disgusting and off-putting to see a fully grown man walk around a boat with no shoes? Yes, but I got an amazing selfie with him after having a conversation about it. His reason? He’s one of those “free the feet” people. A little crazy, I know, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a foot fetish.

The next day, for our time in Cozumel, we chose an excursion that brought us to the Mayan ruins on the other side of the island. The area where the settlement lived was gorgeous and shaded. Our guide was extremely knowledgeable about facts, but the most interesting one was that, since they had no fresh water resources, they would dig ginormous holes in the ground to reach sources beneath the soil, and they even had their own brick roads. Not sustainable for long periods, they eventually experienced a drought, which was a significant reason for the collapse of their society. After the ruins, we participated in a tequila tasting. I usually have great disdain for tequila and was skeptical I’d even enjoy it that time, but to my surprise, that was the best damn tequila I have ever tasted. The harshness of tequilas like Don Julio and Patron was non-existent from these brands. Again, I wish I remembered what they were. The coffee-flavoured tequila liqueur we tried was phenomenal to say the least. I swear it didn’t even taste like alcohol. We had a couple of hours to explore the tourist town near the port after the tequila tasting, so I opted to buy a 6-pack of Modelo for $3. Those were the best-tasting Modelos ever. Was it actually good, or was it just the $3 price tag? I choose to believe the former option. 

For the last day on the cruise, we were able to take photos with the whole band from Train and see them perform one final time. They are seriously great performers, and they said they won’t stop until they die! Later that night, I indulged in several vices. Once I had

consumed what yet again felt like an outrageously large amount of wine, I headed to the casino, where I proceeded to lose some of my own money. I then proceeded to convince the players around me to give me money…and cigarettes. In international waters, anything goes. I mean, who can say no to a then 20-year-old, clearly blackout man? People who don’t gamble on cruises, that’s who. Eventually, I lost about 10 consecutive rounds of roulette and called it a night at around 3:30 AM. We had to be off the boat by 8 AM that same morning, so it was not my brightest decision. Luckily, I had packed the night before. I eventually parted ways with my mom at the airport and flew back to Reno. It was a trip I will never forget, and I am more than excited for next year's cruise. 

After reading this, I think anyone would be a fool to disagree with my sentiment that music festivals on cruises are significantly more fun and intimate than land festivals. The intimacy is what makes it fun. It takes the right person to enjoy that kind of crowd and environment. It’s far less rambunctious and more laid back. Hell, you can sit on lounge chairs and hear great music, damn near anytime of day. Dealing with a sweaty, shoulder-to-shoulder, MDMA popping crowd compared to a cool ocean breeze, and a wine-drunk one is a far calmer experience. The easy access to the artists, the views, and the destination is something you’d rarely find at a normal land festival. You also don’t have to fight through a crowd to see an artist you like. Music festivals on cruises are, in many ways, superior to land festivals. If you disagree, please feel free to drop your opinion in the comments.